My Mom....She's No Claire Huxtable but I Love Her

Yeah, I was a princess...

I always go to the store before Mother's Day and look for a card for my mom.  The ones available are always sappy and sentimental, and are never quite right.  My mom is not sappy.  She's curt.  She's brash.  She curses.  She says whatever pops in her head, with no apologies.  She can build you up, but also can cut you down.


She has always been a homemaker.  She was a week shy of 23 when she became a Mom.  She had three years alone with my brother.  She tells me he was a handful so when I came along, I assume she was relieved.  Her first daughter.  Now she could buy girl stuff, and do girly things.  Dolls and cribs and bows and dance class and gymnastics.  A former hairdresser, she was always wanting to mess with my hair but I mostly wanted it in two ponytails.  Karma got me back and is why my beautiful blonde Chillgirl makes me put her hair in a boring old ponytail every day.

Sassy!

My mom didn't waste time getting me a sister to keep me busy.  Maybe I talked too much?  She tells me Lil Lady reminds her of me, and I know my daughter constantly challenges me.  She needed me to have a playmate, and fast.  My sister and I are 22 months apart, so I know my mom was a busy lady.  She was home with the three of us every day while my dad worked.  She always seemed pretty okay with this, although I remember times she'd go in her room and shut the door.  I use this tactic myself when feeling ganged up on.  As we got older and in school, she found part-time jobs and volunteer work out of the house.  I will assume this was to get away from us kids. I totally understand.

Most of the time I am on good terms with her.  Like I said, she isn't a mom you can always expect kisses and hugs from.  You never know what's coming out of her mouth, and I think she likes to live that way.  Her mom was the same way.  Those Italian Women hit 50 years old and decide "Fuck It" is their new mantra.

She's always got an opinion on what's going on in my life.  Now that my dad is retired, she and he live close to me and my sister, but they stay local.  They are not travelers or sightseers.  She has neighbors and church friends to be social with, but she's always willing to listen and offer advice on what I'm doing.  We talk about things going on with me and my kids.  She asks about my love life.  She actually asked Sinatra "when are you going to make an honest woman outta her?" recently.  Some of our biggest fights were over the men in my life.  She hasn't really liked me with any of them and she doesn't make any bones about telling me that.  Sinatra seems to be winning her over for the most part, but she wants him living here and apparently making an honest woman out of me.

Very coordinated...my high school dance chaperones

I have always thought she wanted more in her life, and her criticizing and snarky comments come from her own dissatisfaction.  Her and my dad do not have what anyone would call a loving marriage, they tolerate each other.  It has been that way as long as I can remember.  In their elder years, they've gotten quite nasty to each other and my sister and I hear from both of them the about their fights.  My dad takes off to have meals by himself a lot.

When I went through my divorce, she at first told me not to stay in a marriage that was unhappy or I'd end up like her.  Then when my ex and I separated, she changed her tune, telling me to make him stay away for a few weeks, but let him come back.  When I said it was really over and he wouldn't be coming back, she was really negative and worried, but I knew all her fears and regrets were HERS, not mine.  She may have wanted out of her marriage, but never could do it.  I was doing it.  She didn't know what to do with me.

Seriously, my hair in this one? But I look skinny! yay!

My mom has always been a great grandmother to my kids, letting them play in her house, in her shoes and play clothes, and cooking meals and baking sweets with them.  She's not a sports-lover, but will come to a dance or choir event for them.  She will babysit, but her limit is about 3-4 hours and then both her and my dad seem to need a break.

My mom has never seen me at a triathlon.  She doesn't even ask that often about my sport.  She doesn't get it, but she worries I'm going to hurt myself.  If she saw me do it, she would understand its not dangerous, and it's thrilling and confidence-building.  She needs some of that inspiration these days.

My mom has not been physically well in a very long time.  She has been in pain from one area or another for many, many years.  It began with abdominal surgery, I think it was an appendicitis that wasn't really a appendicitis, and kidney stones.  Later came adhesions that twist her intestines and block her digestion.  She always has had something hurting her and it takes her out of her life, and puts her in bed either crying out in pain, or heavily medicated.

Today, Nana and her grandaughters

She has been in and out of hospitals and rehab centers for the few years with foot, leg and back surgeries.  She has never been physically strong or active and her balance was off and she started to trip over curbs and even fell down some stairs.  At some point she stepped hard on one foot off a curb and damaged a tendon.  It didn't heal itself and eventually that led to a heel and Achilles's tendon surgery on her right leg.  That was weeks without walking and then rehab started to help, but she didn't continue rehabbing so it got worse again.  Every time she's been in the hospital for something she's had a complication, either with the incision or medications. She is a horrible patient and doesn't do what she's told with rehab.  This translates to constant trips back and forth to doctors, and my dad handles it all.  Not gracefully I might add, he's understandably very bitter his life has become a driver and caregiver for a very ungrateful, crabby old lady.  They are quite toxic to each other a lot of the time.

A body holds its strength in its muscles, which protect its bones, and my mom has no muscle-tone.  I've preached to her about exercising, especially in the pool where she was doing really well with after a few of the surgeries.  But once the prescription for rehab is done, and she would have to make a decision to sign up for pool-time and get herself there, she bails.  She prefers her couch and her TV, while smoking cigarettes and drinking Coke.  She thinks walking around the house is enough.  My active lifestyle is "crazy", but she's the one who's body is falling apart.

Last year it was more pain from fused vertebrae and a back surgery, I assume from all her sitting and not exercising.  Then it was arthritis in her right hip, and a hip replacement this past Fall.  Her weak physical strength caused her to fall and break the attachment of the implant, it was repaired with a 2 week stay in a rehab hospital around Christmas.   From those hospital stays she developed a staph infection that she's been in surgery twice for already in the last few months.  The hip implant has now been removed and she has a temporary implant filled with antibiotics and she is not able to rehab until this one is removed and a new one implanted.  Today she's tucked away in a nursing facility under heavy antibiotics and pains meds and is only able to move from the bed to a wheelchair.  Happy Freakin' Mother's Day.

Her attitude through all this has left everything to be desired.  She tells her rehab workers they are a pain in her ass.  They laugh at her.  She likes being the feisty one.  Her and my dad are getting downright hateful to each other, but it's mostly coming from her.  He's passive-aggressive and she's just aggressive.  I believe her frustration with losing all control of her life and body is what drives her outbursts.  She attacks my dad, my sister, or me if we aren't doing what she wants.  My sister defends my dad and the two of them get the worst of her wrath.  I try to stay neutral and talk about other things and so far during this nursing facility stay we have remained calm.

She has a long road ahead of her before she can begin to rehab and walk, or even come home.  She has to want to follow doctor's orders and change her lifestyle if she ever expects to get there.  Her body and her personality may never be back to her past normal.

I miss her at her best.  She is a funny, smart, irreverent woman, whom I love.  She is my MOM.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom

There's a Reason He's My Ex

"Divorce isn't such a tragedy. A tragedy's staying in an unhappy marriage, teaching your children the wrong things about love. Nobody ever died of divorce.” 
–Jennifer Weiner, Fly Away Home


Some days you might think you will die of divorce.

There are such pains to go through from the minute one partner decides "Enough is Enough", until pretty much the end of time.  You can be happily remarried, you can have no kids together, or kids all grown up, but that Ex will still pop up and cause chaos, from near or far.  

My Ex and I have two children together.  For the most part we both know our roles and there aren't that many surprises.  We are not super-strict on our visitation schedules, but this easy freedom lends itself to times when I wish we were on a rigid First, Third, and Fifth weekend standard possession regime.  

My girls live with me.  My house is their Home.  My house was also my Ex's home until about seven years ago, pre-separation.  I chose that house when we moved to our town and I paid for that house the whole time we were married.  I refinanced that house in my name only, at the point when I began to foresee the end of our marriage.  The deed was turned over to me in the divorce papers.  My house is my Home.

As he did before we were married, my Ex has moved around a lot since the divorce.  Changing roommates and apartments annually.  All of his living conditions have been acceptable to me and the girls, but they were never Home-y to them.  They were a place to stay for a few days every other week, if that.  He isn't worried about this.  He knows their Home is my house.  

My Ex has a girlfriend who lived out of town when they began dating, but now is moving her family and herself to our area and he will be living with her and them.  This will be a house, but it will be full of another family, her grown kids and their kids, as well as her school-aged child.  My girls will likely not have their own room there, so I am unclear on how their visits will go.  The girlfriend's young child is a boy of 13.  Not like they can stay in his room.  This will be worked out before my girls have a Dad-weekend.

My Lil Lady is 14.  She is not keen on picking up and hanging out at Dad's on the weekends.  Unless he has something fabulous planned she would rather stay Home.  Chillgirl is 10 and is a pretty happy kid wherever, for now.  Lil Lady doesn't protest much because she loves her Dad but she makes a point to whine to one or both of us to get back Home as soon as she can each time.  Her weekends with Dad typically are less than 48 hours.

The more frustrating part of our arrangement is he usually only sees them on those weekends, even though he lives only 15 minutes away.  He knows Mom takes care of the driving to church, to volleyball, to after-school events, to appointments and the store.  I ask for his help on school pick-ups or eye or dental appointments because I'm working 8:30am-5pm and his schedule is more free.  He manages most of these requests when nothing else is going on.  But if he's unavailable, its up to me to find the solution.  I bug my parents or my friends to help me out.  Its never his concern.  

I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was. –Unknown

I'm afraid I've created this monster so much so that when he MUST be the one to take care of something important, it is very difficult for him.  Last week I needed him to pick up Chillgirl from school, wait for Lil Lady to get off the bus, take them both to Lil Lady's eye appointment 10 minutes away, then take Chillgirl to her volleyball practice 15 minutes away from there.  Oh and I had asked him to clean up his mess in my garage, where he kept a bunch of his tools after his last carpentry job was done.  

He took it upon himself to clean up not only his mess in my garage, but the whole garage.  You see, this area of my house is the ONLY part that still has anything of his in it.  He has a garage door opener still so he can access his tools and things since he can't store them in his apartments.  I have never minded that.  He told me he'd like to clear out a bunch of his old stuff and he'd have the girls help him do this while I was at work and a hair appointment after work one day. 

This adventure took him longer than he'd planned.  Although he got Chillgirl from school and Lil Lady to the eye doctor, he grabbed them both dinner and headed back to the house to finish his job.  An hour after Chillgirl's practice started she realized it, and asked him what about volleyball?  Oh shit!!  I get the phone call from her telling me she didn't go.  This was NOT an option as this practice was her team's LAST practice before a huge tournament 3 days later.  I screamed at her to get in his car and I told him to book it to the end of practice.  I seriously cursed his existence and screamed in my car driving home from that hair appointment.

ONE time I needed him to live MY life for ONE day, running around like a crazy person, and he couldn't swing it.  My guilty pleasure of getting my hair done was destroyed knowing my child was forgotten.  She hates to be late or miss a scheduled event, and she was upset.  I was upset.  He was upset.  I reamed him out via text about how he can't do the job needed for just one day, and he reamed me out since he was cleaning MY garage when he forgot.  We haven't spoken much in the last week since this happened.

There is a reason he is the Ex.  If I was still married to him and this happened, I'd have to go home to him and a horrendous fight would ensue about how I do everything for the girls and he can't manage the bare minimum.  This is how we communicated when we were married.  Me scolding him like a child and him no doubt secretly hating me, but needing me because he can't manage his own life well enough and needs my steady paycheck.

I know these complaints seem minor compared to others.  I know plenty of stories that are worse.  I have a student in my religious education class who does not make it to class when he's with his dad on his weekends, because dad couldn't be bothered taking him to church.  I have a family member who's son is disappointed constantly when dad tells him they are going to do something or he will be at his game, and plans fall through or he doesn't show up.  Or he will promise to pay him money for working with dad, and doesn't.  Dad never paid child support either so this is par for the course but the son is old enough now to start figuring this out.  

There are Moms who walk away from their family, claiming unhappiness, but then clearly continue to live as unhappy people who didn't want to be bothered with kids full-time.  Not paying child support and displaying poor behavior in front of the kids and blaming others for all the wrongs in their life.  Sad and pathetic, and definitely someone's Ex.

It takes two to destroy a marriage. –Margaret Trudeau

Two people do the damage to each other resulting in divorce.  But after its over, some of us move on and want to live the life we couldn't before and expect the same of our former partners.  This is not always a joint goal.  Whether your Ex moves on or continues to try to hold you back, post-divorce antics can be ugly.

You may have an Ex who you didn't even procreate with so there are no residual attachments, and you can still be hurt when you hear they have moved on.  Maybe they had that child you both agreed not to have, but with the next person.  Maybe they had success or finished something they never would while they were with you.  These things may not be as bad as cheating, but you feel cheated nonetheless.  Feeling used up and spit out is a shitty feeling, I don't care how happy you are post-divorce.

I don't go about my days mourning my marriage.  I rarely think of my divorce, except maybe when I see a long-term married couple of my same age, and I feel that pang of jealousy and regret, wishing I could have made it work the same way.  But I married the wrong person.  They married the right person.  Simple as that.  

I am a better, happier person in my life now.  I make better decisions.  I am nicer.  My Ex may be all these things too, in his current life.  When our lives intermingle due to the kids, our former unhappy selves come out, and we must both take a breath of relief after, thankful we aren't those people anymore.  

As long as I have my Home and my girls and my future out there waiting for me to decide, I can feel happy in my divorce. 

These are the reasons I'm someone's Ex.

What's the truth? The truth is what happened to you and him or her, over the years, and what didn't happen. The truth is what you said and didn't say, how much you tried, how you changed, and whether you were lucky. I believe in luck. I think luck plays a huge part in success. Or failure. In the end, who cares about the truth? You still end up divorced. Finally, the biggest asshole wins. Sort of. At least the biggest asshole takes home the most stuff. If you consider this winning then have at it. You're an asshole. 
–Margaret Overton, Good in a Crisis: A Memoir

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

As I mentioned recently our household is a-changing...but it is also still the same.  It is still fiesty ole' me, the single Mom, and my two busy girls plugging away, each day much the same as the last.

I wish something like this still worked at our house...hmmm, wait, I don't see 
yelling on the list so this is not for us

Each week begins with a flurry of obligations and much the same routine that always includes work/school, volleyball, religious education, more volleyball, my training for triathlons, and more volleyball.  The girls are growing up, but they are still my same daughters.

Did I mention volleyball?

I expect Chillgirl will be in my bed come morning even though I refuse to let her start there.  To be honest, even though I discourage this behavior, I've been known to reach over to check if she's there in the wee hours of the morning, and wonder in puzzlement if she's not.  Before school, she takes several prompts to get up out of my cozy bed (she's not allowed to be cozy if I had to get up already!!!) and go get dressed.  One new change with her is she finally cares what she's wearing, and often changes her mind a few times before deciding on the same shorts she wore two days ago and one of five tshirts she rotates out religiously.  With a dresser FULL of cute shirts, pants, and shorts, she doesn't stray too far from her favorites.  Hair in a ponytail, brush teeth, and she's downstairs for breakfast.

Shopping is my LIFE!!

I expect Lil Lady to be a total teenager.  To NOT hear her own alarm and be still fast asleep when I open her door at the last possible minute she has before she's really late for the bus.  She must be yelled at repeatedly to get up before she misses it.  I tell her each night when she's still wandering around "getting ready" at 11pm that she will be sorry in the morning...and I'm always right, she is.  One change for her is her lack of interest in breakfast.  She was always the good little cereal-eater, maybe with a bit of fruit or a yogurt.  Now she takes so long to do her makeup and hair, I'm lucky to throw a waffle at her as she rushes out to the bus stop.  I constantly preach to her the benefits of a good breakfast for brain and body function, but at this age, make-up and cute shoes take precedence.


Changes have come about in my relationship with Sinatra as well.  We have fallen into our own routine in our post-legal-war lives.  His two youngest go with their mom every other week and his oldest stays with him full-time, unless Sinatra comes here to stay with me, and he then goes to his mom's or comes here with Dad.  That, and the not-so-rigid schedule me and my ex keep, means Sinatra and I have very few weekends where somebody's kids aren't hanging around.

Picture Perfect Santa Fe

So we plan our travels to get away from them it all.  This year we only got one itty-bitty ski trip in to New Mexico, sans kids, and with great friends (who had their kids).  We made the most of our time-off together, but often mentioned how much the kids would've loved it.

The kids weren't all in agreement on a ski trip for Spring Break so rather than spend that exorbitant amount of money and hear whining, we planned a short stay-cation in a nearby wine and hill country town.  We had a country house out in the sticks and the kids ran wild around the place, and Sinatra and I got to visit a few of the wineries.  Win-Win.

Hours of Monopoly...actually it was called Wineopoly

Another change Sinatra and I have made has been one of ATTITUDE.  Mine, mostly.  For all my relief from the divorce modification being over, I let negativity creep up on me and I started questioning what were we DOING? Living apart? Indefinitely? Why? Who does that?  I didn't sign up for this initially.  I wasn't asked my opinion on it when it was decided.

I blamed Sinatra for deciding with his ex what he could live with, but not considering what I could live with.  His ex cried her little fake tears and made promises (ones she has yet to keep) and got her way.  He is the nice one, the soft-heart, and she knew it, and she played him.  It pissed me off on so many levels.

I moped around and behaved horribly but when Sinatra finally had enough of my antics, we had a conversation about my anger and sullenness with him.  His answer? What else can I do here?  This situation is going as well as it can.  I am trying.

Are we going to keep doing this every few months?

Whoa.

Way to man-up and tell me like it IS.  He was right.  It IS what it IS.  You love me, or you leave me.  Pick.

Soon.

Now.

Something clicked after that.  In me, mostly.  I think he's known all along what he needed  to do.  His decision wasn't about me and him.  It wasn't about his ex.  It was about his kids.  They needed a decision. Nobody else in the situation was going to make it.  He had to.

Those three kids knew the turmoil going on in each of their parents and between their parents.  Mom was not going to be the bigger person and allow Sinatra anything he was asking for, so he had to be the compromiser.  I got caught up in what I lost in the deal, but now I finally understood we both lost, but the kids won.

I let go of my anger for the most part.  To Hell with their mom-- she may think she won, but she didn't either.  Yes, the kids are still living in town, but her one-big-happy-family fantasy will never happen again, and she knows it when she's ever being totally honest with herself.

Sinatra and me? We win, even though we lost.  We are sacrificing our time together to allow all five of our kids grow up in the homes they all have known since toddlerhood or earlier, the schools they know, around the friends they've grown up with, and with both parents nearby.  I was not willing to uproot my girls from all we know, and I know he really didn't want to either, no matter what he said.

Cookin' up grub for the childrens

Its OK.  I've changed my mind about what is my big-happy-family.  We have two homes.  We are a "WE".  His kids come to me and ask me things and tell me things and genuinely like to be around me.  They want to ride in my car or stay at my house, even without their dad.  My kids feel the same about Sinatra.  We are all so comfortable around each other, the weekends at home together or trips we take big or small, are full of laughter and play and yes, sometimes anger, but no one is afraid it will all fall apart.

I'm not.  Not anymore.  It's only going to strengthen and become more real.  We have new driver's licenses,  and new cars, and sports competitions, and high school graduations, and colleges to look forward to together.

Once our nests are empty?  It will be our time.

I pick LOVE. 

Peace and Love

High School is Here~ How to Let My Child Choose Her Way

Where Did This Beauty Come From?

My 14 year-old Lil Lady is going to high school.  In the last month, she has been told by her middle school counselors about taking classes and what career academy she needs to decide on which will take her through high school and on into college.

She is not thrilled about all this.

She gets anxious when she thinks she has to decide NOW what she wants to be when she grows up.  I have explained the classes are all about exposure to new subjects in order to figure out what she is good at, and what she likes, and hopefully it will parlay into a major in college and eventually a career.

I have to back the truck up and tell her to just worry about 9th grade for now.  Intro classes and extra-curricular activities at a big new school.  Pre-AP or non-AP? Ride the bus to school or catch a ride?  Backpack or satchel?  All questions she is bringing up daily.

We have pretty much decided on what classes beyond her core-classes she will take.  We have discussed what would be interesting and/or fun for her electives.  Journalism so she can be in Yearbook, Gymnastics so she can stay active and learn more flexibility (at the ripe ole age of 14, one can't be immobile), and a technology class she needs for a computer credit which has an art undercurrent with audio/visual and communications included.

Sadly, she passed on my suggestions of the dance class for drill team or color guard.  A little piece of my heart broke off when she vehemently answered "No!" to the possibility of either of these teams. I think her words were actually "Ew, no."  Like a knife to my heart, Kid.

Alas, that was my life in high school, not hers.  I wonder if I pushed her too hard, and she isn't interested because she doesn't want to be compared to me?  Or does she think I was a nerd?  Either one or both surely.

What's wrong with this picture? Nothing! I was a STAR!!!

It is true that she really hasn't experienced high school other than the Friday night football games, and she may have to take a year to take it all in, then she may decide.  I fear of course that will be too late, and all the cliques will have formed and she will be lost.  Project much, Mom?

I still feel that butterfly-feeling of wanting acceptance I had, and I remember wanting to find my own way and not be pinned down by my parents wishes.  I'm 40+ and have my own teenager to try not to smother, but the feelings still come up.  I didn't want to be left out of anything back then.  At school I roamed in a pack, and rarely did anything that 78% of the school wasn't doing.

We all could've swapped clothes & hair and it'd be the same photo

I feel like it was yesterday.

It WAS yesterday, wasn't it?

Not me, not me, not me, not me...

I confess, I was a follower.

Yep, God forbid I show an ounce of originality back in my school days.  I attended Catholic school in junior high, for Pete's sake we all wore the same blue-plaid uniform.  I did own blue-and-white checked Vans I wore with my skirt-and-vest combo uni....I probably thought I was pretty out-there with my Vans on...such a skater-punk...not.

Fast forward to today.  Lil Lady's reality is she doesn't care to dress outrageously, but has a few fashion choices that are her own.  She has a Selena-Gomez-esque style, which I think is adorable, but I don't dare praise her too much.  That would be wrong.

She will paint her nails all different colors, write on her wrists or hands the names of her favorite boy-band, and has already dabbled in fun hair colors and styles.  She can rock a messy-teenager-sock-bun, or wand-curl each individual strand for a wavy look.  She has Converse, Sperry's and Tom's of all patterns, to wear below adorably tiny size 2 skinny jeans and shorts.

She has stayed in art class all through middle school, and dance, and theatre, and does best in Language Arts~ do you see a pattern here?  I do.  I see a My-Job-Will-Make-Me-No-Money-And-I-Could-Live-Back-Home-At-Some-Point-In-My-Adult-Life-pattern.  Thus the reason my input on class-choice is imperative as of now.

"My Mom Told Me There'd be Days Like This..."

She has her own thoughts on how high school will be.  I know how it was for me, but what the hell do I know about high school NOW?  Her soon-to-be school looks like a shopping mall, or an airport.  It has a cafe and a coffee shop right inside.  They are a 5A school which means BIG.  There are boys there who look like MEN.  There are girls there who are already Moms.  I get her anxiety.

It feels a bit like sending her off again to Kindergarten.  A full day of dealing with new people in a new place.  She's a thoughtful kid, so I can't wait to hear all about it.  Thank God for now, she still talks to me if no one else is around.

I must listen and repress interjecting my antiquated opinions on how high school was for me.  I don't even remember my Mom telling me how it was for her, and now I am sure it is because when she told me, I tuned her out immediately.  My poor Mom.

Well, Hello Karma...meet my daughter....

How to Top 2012? More Love and Less Legal in 2013

Lady Bird Lake in May with all us Cap2Kers

2013 has snuck up on me fast and furiously.  I think I could hear the brakes squealing as November and December roared up, but I wasn't ready to have 2012 down in the memory books.  It was a whirlwind year.  Aside from all the stuff going on with Sinatra, mainly the legal shenigans that were a constant thorn in our sides, we managed a pretty good year together.  

Work rolled along steady, nothing new there.  I am actively searching for opportunities in teaching in my field but dutifully doing my same-ole, same-ole to keep the status quo.  I'm involved on the board of my state's audiology group and that has been an eye-opener in the span of my field's future.  No more head-in-the-sand mentality here.  Seeing how I'm slated to be the Prez next year, I've committed to staying informed from here on out.

I was able to get ready for my tri season with several long runs including a half-marathon and a 10-miler, a 2K lake-swim for prostate cancer, and a 150-mile bike ride for multiple sclerosis.  The tri season began and I went to a new level (for me) and competed in larger races to challenge myself.  I began swim lessons three times a week, and celebrated the year that had passed since I was dealing with breast cancer and going to radiation every day for 6 weeks.

Team Mighty Fine Cycling before the MS150

Travel was yet again my saving grace.  I was able to fit in two ski trips, one to Tahoe just Sinatra and I and our also-kidless friends, and one to Colorado with all the kids.   June brought another travel experience.. .Hello NOLA!  New Orleans with old high school buddies and lots of unmentionables.  Yes, at age 42+, we can still  have a weekend where we party like its 1986....we regress that much in a matter of a few hours and a few cocktails.

Sublimely happy to share this view
 with my girls

Late summer, Sinatra and I did a camping weekend with the kids, which was really a staycation in Waco for us. Its just too expensive and hard to please everyone to plan an elaborate week-long travel trip for a second time in one year.  We expend ourselves doing it for the ski trips and need a year to recover.   We managed a water park and cooking out and smores and sleeping 8 in a camper.  All in all super fun and hopefully a memory for them to cherish.


Side note: Does anyone see how many times I'm writing "we"? After my divorce it took a LOOOONG time to stop saying "we" and start saying "I" about everything I owned or did.  It used to be a conscious effort every time.  Guess that's all for nothing now that I'm back to a "we".  Its ok, I like it.

To cap off the summer Sinatra and I flew to Costa Rica.  Paradise, indeed.  It was a trip offered by my former boss and his family, and we couldn't refuse.  So glad we didn't.  My inner spirit was rejuvenated as we experienced the carefree beach life in Jaco.

Welcome to the Jungle....

The Fall is time for end of season triathlons and my racing buddies and I spent our last weekend in September making the most of a small-town but big-time tri, ignoring the wind, rain and cold, and warming up at one of the many wineries nearby in between events.  Enduring the weather during that sprint tri and relay-half-iron was its own tough-it-out challenge, but the company I kept made me so fulfilled and thrilled to be there.

This is me, looking for the wine.  Its promise led me to the finish, I'm sure 

They call this Smart Ass Red

Thanksgiving and Christmas rolled up, with both my girls' birthdays the end of the year is always here and gone in a blink of an eye. I will never have a breathe-easy, relax and think of the Reason for the Season as long as those girls keep having birthdays.  I told them this year, now that they are older and more interested in moula than toys, if they'd consolidate their birthday parties into a smaller group of girls, maybe out to dinner and a movie, rather than a huge production (we did TWO of those in a matter of 2 weeks), they might get some cashola in their stockings instead of Dollar-Store trinkets. 

At least that's what Santa told me.

But now its the new year, and since Sinatra's custody issues have been worked out, we are both much lighter for it.  His coming here bi-weekly on his off-kid weeks has been the best of both worlds.  I'm at work, he's working here when I get home, and its been real normal and calm.  Its a weird surreal feeling to be living in this new-fangled limbo, somewhere between living together and non-marriage, but then again, there isn't a timeline anymore and there isn't any rules we must adhere to, so who's judging?  

He's commuting for me and also his work, but since I'm not planning to make any moves closer to him either, then this is it.  Not really limbo.  Not really final either.  I sometimes allow myself to wonder how long can we do this?  Anything can change in the amount of time it will take for some or all of the kids to finish school.  But I will continue to hold onto this place we have created.  I admit I have my down thoughts at times when I miss him, but mostly I am doing well with our time together and our time apart.

Happy times...yes, we are a happy "we"

Someone recently asked me how long ago I divorced.  I responded "almost 6 years ago" and she said she remembered I was married, but wasn't sure when or if I divorced.  She noticed on Facebook how NON-married I acted with the man in my life, in the posts and pictures.  How revealing!  How I am nice and loving to him in the online public, and a married person noticed the difference and assumed correctly that this man is NOT my husband.  What to think about that? Hmmm.

One marriage down, I learned a few things about how to treat a partner.  I have learned to be more patient and more considerate, and not say every nasty thing that jumps into my mind when I'm irritated, and to shut the bathroom door when I go.  I try to make things even-steven financially, work-wise, and with the kids.  I remember the resentment when I wasn't being heard and I try to voice my issues in a way that demands attention but not anger.  Sinatra is even better at all of this than me.

As I have been a mother for over 14 years now, I can reflect on how my girls are becoming interesting and responsible little ladies, and I am pleasantly surprised as the days go by and they grow up before my eyes.  We have our fights and our fits but our happy co-dependence on each other in this household when it is just Us Women makes us recover from strife quickly, and there is plenty of laughter.  Our days are knee-deep in cheer, piano and volleyball and I love watching them make their way.

Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dah

I'm blessed to have a New Year to spend with this FAMILY that I have.


Here's to soaring off into 2013....

Wheeeeeeee!

The Walking Spenders Need a New Year Resolution

Is it over yet?

This holidays are supposed to be devoted to family gatherings and parties and shopping in crowded malls, right?  Then why do I feel like a zombie pushing my cart through HEB or walking from BFE in the mall parking lot?  For the past few weeks, I've felt like boarding myself up in the house and waiting until it all blows over and Spring Break has arrived.


I  did some of my Christmas shopping early, as I do every year when all the stores start to lay out giftboxes and play Christmas music.  I get in the mood like everyone else a week or so before Thanksgiving, and the emails with free shipping and exclusive offers and fairydust start popping up in my inbox.  I get some of it done because my girls have birthdays in November and December and its imperative that I get those out of the way early so I can concentrate on actual Christmas shopping.  The gift deluge before the gift deluge.  Its insane.

At least I don't do the Black Friday Invasion, mainly because I work that day every year, but also because people are generally stupid when a coupon or sale ad is screaming at them they MUST buy, like right now.  As if there won't be another sale in the coming weeks.  Waiting in lines wrapped around the store for another TV for the house, or a video game their kid will die without.  Save on the sale price but buy three times as much. Seriously. Not. Smart.

Zombies, that's what they look like waiting in those lines and wandering around the malls this time of year....or sitting in their cars in the extra-traffic that somehow invades our city this time of year.  I get it, Austin is cool as shit, but its time to Go Away.  We have enough Weirdos here without all the relatives of the Weirdos traipsing all over our Zilker-lighted tree and wreath-adorned Congress Avenue.

If forced to go in a mall, this is me.

The after Christmas-rush is just as bad.  Never mind that there really could be a zombie invasion some day.  I watch The Walking Dead, so it seems like the folks I see shuffling around may have already been bitten and have "made the change".  The return-lines, the giftcards you feel pressure to unload, the after-holiday "sales". It makes me want to stab myself in the head to end it all.

Its all so ridiculous.  We don't NEED anything.  I'd love to use my end of the year bonus to pay off the bills I've created all the rest of the year.  NOT to create even more bills with over-spending all in the matter of a six week time-span.  Fiscal cliff or not, we Americans, not just our President and Congressmen and women, but us regular Joes and Marys, are spending whores.

We all should be thinking of a New Year Resolution~ during the holidays, stop buying trinkets that nobody needs, and use your saved money and bonuses to pay off credit card debt.  Or better yet, pay down someone else's debt, and let them pay on yours.  Wouldn't that be better than another set of slippers?

TO: Uncle Charlie
I paid $50 toward your $697.49 VISA card balance
...dang, what have you been buying?
FROM: Your Niece

We will still buy things for ourselves, things we need and things we want, so the productivity and supply-demand will not go down.  My plan is economy-friendly.  There just won't be as much stuff for garage sales as there used to be.  Ebay may suffer.  We will have things we wanted, we had money to buy, or had a credit card without a high balance to charge.

I think its genius.

Anyone want to get started with my amazon.com VISA?

Let's get this Show on the Road!

Second Time's a Charm...or an Unanswered Prayer?

As a 40-Something Woman of the World (ha!) I often wonder how I will live out my golden years.  I know I will be a traveler.  I want to plan excursions with my girlfriends and my man...er...separately of course.  I know I want to retire from working full-time while I am still able to enjoy it.  But I also know I want to stay grounded with a home-base near my children and grandchildren, as long as they know Grandma isn't hanging out at home waiting for Sunday dinner.  

In the immediate future, as in the next 8 years while I still have school-aged kids, I want to keep my current job to pay the bills, but expand into other areas such as teaching, which could parlay into a late career of a professorship in academia.  I see this clearly as a way to work not for the money, but for the fulfillment of educating new minds.  

In my relationship with Sinatra, I am clear on us growing old together.  How we get there is a bit more fuzzy.  Marriage and living together full-time is not in the cards for us right now.  The custody court results were clear.  His kids need to stay in their hometown 250 miles away to share custody between Sinatra and his ex.  My pity party regarding this outcome is over.  I am able to understand that his children actually enjoy going to their mom's (as a result of her finally stepping up and structuring her life more for her kids, thanks to the court case), and they weren't thrilled to move in the middle of their schooling.  I am able to understand Sinatra gave up his ability to move but worked out other important financial details with his ex, which benefit the children.  I am at peace with it all.  

Destination Wedding? No. Tropical island vacation? Yes!

We've discussed our future, and although there isn't a wedding to plan, we may have even better options available now.  His job will need him to be here often, even so far as needing him to establish a home here.  This would give "us" all a second (third?) home for him and his kids to be here extended times, like in the summer or on Christmas or Spring Breaks.  All 7 of us in my tiny house doesn't make for an easy visit.  A house for them near mine would give them a place to come without feeling cramped, and no air mattresses or sharing bathrooms.

I recently had a conversation with my friend, one of the K's, who is another divorced gal with two kids similar ages as mine, and who is dating someone who doesn't quite fit the mold for the "Let's move in together and get married" attitude expected of us as divorced-and-dating women.  We agreed we did the fall in love/get married/have babies thing in our 20s.  Now in our 40s we have been through divorce-hell and having come out of it independent and in control, it isn't necessary for us to compromise all over again, uproot the children again, or share bank accounts again.  

Our kids ARE our lives, as they should be, and our new men can definitely step in and aide us in raising them, but ultimately we are in control and bear the responsibility to get them through childhood and on into a productive adulthood.

K and I share a lot of the same issues with our ex-husbands enjoying the part-time-parenting-after-divorce, while we slog through our weeks running our kids from schools to activities to homework to bath to bed.  And we know in our relationships with our "new" men, we aren't ready to let go of the reins.  We worked through painful divorces to attain our Single-Mom-Wonder-Woman status and wear it proudly.  

What works for another divorcee when they meet "the one" (the other "one", not the "one" they married first...ha) may not work for us.  That's OK.  We all know of second marriages that were not successful.  Now that we have ourselves back together after divorce, why would we risk starting all that over just because society thinks we should be locked-down and married?  

Society.  Our parents and their aged-friends cannot get it that we have a CHOICE.  We don't have to get married again. Especially right away.  Let the kids have us to themselves, and our mates when they are around, and their Dads when they are around.  I know for my two girls, they have gotten to see their mom do it ALL. It shows them what is possible and what a woman can handle.  

Now, I don't always like being Miss-Independent...trust me.  I whine and complain when I am leaving work after an 8-hour day and driving straight to get the kids and on to a piano lesson or volleyball practice or cheer performance without even so much as going to the bathroom.  I microwave a mean frozen meal or pizza for my kids on a late night, or even do the drive-through fast food to just be done with it.

Miss-Independent is an empowering label, but I personally was not built to do it alone.  I rely on anyone and everyone to help me out with all our activities, and I mean my own as well.  Sinatra has stepped right on up with vigor and enthusiasm to take my girls, or his kids AND my girls, where they need to be.  I have no doubt if he was here, near me, I would share all of these things with him joyfully.

I am convinced Sinatra and I will thrive in our new arrangement.  It really has dawned on me our Unanswered Prayer was just what we needed to survive our post-divorce/full-time parent 40s decade.

Maybe our 50s will be a whole new ball of wax.  I look forward to it.